Love In the Mirror

(Written some time ago, not that long.)


Flight bound on my way
to the land apart.
Where no memories of you
poison my awoken heart.
Here I know of no 12 bar shame,
the boy was the same
as the day the sky called him out.

Fight around my brain,
heart and fervent memory
over whether my ends are mine
or fates cruel chemistry.
So many ways of my touch
when my gifts were not enough
now only reach for what isn't there.

I didn't need a new way
I didn't need more to say
I didn't mean to hold on
till the feeling was gone
I just needed the love in the mirror.

There wasn't a melody in my head
that could save me.

almost 25 years of human experience...

At Best

At best I am a man who puts words into sentences
hoping they mean something to somebody else.
At worst I am a man who says nothing at all.
Wandering, and wondering this world of thoughtlessness
with not a trace of a lack of thoughts.
If I had a smile for every thought I couldnt finish
I'd be back in the presence of your face.

In the very least I am a man who cares
in the very most I am not wanting to care at all.
Hoping and searching
for the abstracts I couldn't describe if you asked
could never serve as a mask
for the true honesty in my fingers.
Or the vulnerability in your touch.

In the last moments I am lingering on thoughts of a ghost
of days I inked years ago.
In the first moments I am the light in your heart.
Yearning and learning
for the days I let go for you
and the auburn purity in your gaze.

At the very best
I feel everything.

A true update

So life as of September 27, 2009.

Moving On
So Sarah and I didn't work out, and that's okay. It was a very amazing human experience, and with all relationships that dont work out; I'm healing, moving on, and tipping my hat to you Sarah. As well all seek happiness I wish you it 100%

I am seeing a girl named Sara. You can laugh all you want, it's purely a coincidence :) She's pretty fantastic, and things are great--and honestly that's all you need to know at this point! That, and this blog is really not about the above two topics.

I have decided to place my goal, resolve, and will into making a record. I am looking around at different studios and see a few that seem cool, and I obviously have to save up what I am thinking (for my amateur purposes) about 3k. 2 ish for the time and mixing etc (mastering) and I'm rounding up another because I am probably undershooting that estimate. I want to go in there with every track ready, down the very vision and exactly what parts I want on each. Paying that much for it makes me want to be fully prepared. I will get a few friends on the pedigree instruments I don't feel comfortable enough playing (I.E drums and bass) and am really thinking of a few ideas to get a couple other things on there like organ, harmonica, maybe some slide playing that I am not that adepth at either.

I'm going for a bluesy, r&b like record with a lot of my old self musically (my old self being the acoustic pretty music I was known for when I was younger) and trying to fit that all into a 12 track record. I've got 2 tracks really all down to a science, as I wrote them ages ago and they are ready and well realized.

This is a long process that will take a lot out of me but it is something I have been needing to do and as far as my goal and what I've been wanting to try and do in Nashville--it makes the most sense. It'll give me something concrete to have, to push, to show, to be able to say "I did" in 10 years if nothing comes of my talent.

This year I won't be at home in CA for christmas or my birthday, so I imagine I'll have a lot of time not wanting to think about that--to focus on work and making this record. Here's hoping.

Also...here's to surviving 2009. Here's to taking all the curveballs that have been aimed at my head and turning them into base hits. I don't give up on things easily, almost to a flaw, but of all the things I want out of life my own happiness is what it most important at my age and current juncture. Here's to you, life.

My brain and heart are fried

I need to start fresh with a lot of my thoughts. I am re-winding this blog from when I started my new job ish.

This is my middle finger

On a mission started by my own admission
I will leave you all behind
By direction I'll create my own protection
The real me you'll never find

Aspirations turn to fear and desperation
Nothing's ever good enough for you
Burn in sorrow 'cause I see there's no tomorrow
You'll only see what I want you to

Never gonna find me
Way down deep inside there is a real me
I'm always gonna hide and this is who you'll see
Never gonna find me
Way down deep inside they haven't found me yet
I'm always gonna hide and this is who you'll get

On a mission to establish my attrition
You may think that you have won
Your rejection has brought on my introspection
I'll escape I'll only run

Accusations may destroy my motivation
I can feel it when you're pushing me
Burn in sorrow 'cause I see there's no tomorrow
Only I know which me you'll see

Never gonna find me
Way down deep inside there is a real me
I'm always gonna hide and this is who you'll see
Never gonna find me
Way down deep inside they haven't found me yet
I'm always gonna hide and this is who you'll get

Break away!
Run!
Down inside!
I've got to!
Push it way!
Down!
I did not choose this!
God Dammit!

I don't really know
What I want to say
I can't afford the throw
To make it go away
Try to make it through
Fuck your decision
I can't feel myself
But I'm burning up now!

My own pat on the back.

Timeline: January 1st I arrive from my vacation back into Nashville. I was dejected, already over-stressed, feeling as though my window had run out. My car has been dead and not worth the repairs it needs, I've been stuck at "that dead end job" that doesn't pay enough for me to live off of, and everything was stagnant. I was facing facts--something drastic had to change otherwise I would have to tuck my tail between my legs and ::gulp:: move back home. Maybe what I say next is the classic under-acheivement pat, but you know what fuck it: I am proud of myself. I said to myself that day that I got back, I was going to have everything turned around by March or early April. If I didn't, I was thinking of doing the un-thinkable.

I sit here, feeling almost vindicated. I just accepted a good paying job (where I didn't get hired based on my bi-lingual abilities, this job is seperate) am about to just buy a new car (no lie, I'm having help on that one, but I'll be paying it all on my own.) I'm playing music twice a week. Granted, it's an open jam, but I'll be damned if I'm not one of the favorites or the spearheaders.

In 2 months after the dust settles--this is where my life should be. This is where I have been trying and trying to push my life to. Soon, I'll be the guy haggling with the sales guys for a better price on my musical equipment. Y'know too--I deserve it.

still needs other verses and a title.

I see you watching
from the corner of my eye.
A gaze so fierce
it could pierce the sky.
I guess I'm playing
for just you tonight
You've got me trying
to shine my light.

Looking from the outside.

Somewhere he's sinking
in heavy waters.
He's a pillar of strength
but it's of no help now.
Despite all of his seeking
he's drowning further
He'd love change you
but he doesn't know how.

Like fighting in quicksand
it's easiest to not fight at all.
What a way to contradict
what you thought of the world at all.
Worse than malcontent
apathy shows your true colors.
If you cared enough though,
your illusions would fall.

As I can still feel the smoke in my eyes...

What a night tonight was. So many people played tonight and so many of them were so on fire. I personally felt like I had a good night too. Focus. I have this good thing yet I can't shake something that is a detriment I probably just created for myself.

I wish the world and how it always seems to go, we're a little different.

So maybe I'm in a dark place.

15 minutes of paradise

In empty bars, shine on.
Pretentious ones put hands together
as the night pushes along.
And all my confidence is squeezed in 10 fingers
where my anxiety, excitement, and desperation lingers.
I have grown tired of a broken heart
so I leave mine up where the tubes are glowing,
the strings are roaring,
and notes are surely soaring.
It's a definitive high
followed by the proverbial low.
Reality is future,
future has become present,
and I am who I am once more.
A good man
still suffering reality's hollow-ness.

Changing ways.

This week has been one of the most insane weeks of my life. It's had a few very extreme highs, coupled with a plethora of really bad lows. I sound a little emo I suppose, (which is ironic) but this has truly been a week where if I didn't grow and adjust, I would have fallen. I have some pretty good friends, a different attitude, and apparently I've found I'm also fairly resilient.

I am however honest. I'm burnt out, exhausted, and ready for a few days off. Oh tuesday how far away you are.

I once knew a man by sight.

Something's telling me
it just may be
time for my white flag.

Something's pushing me
to true believe
and count the blessings I have.

Ive got a will to strive
to fight and stay alive
and shoot away all my doubt.

So I will run and laugh
forget the common path
and find my dreams all about.


A new way to think.

Written two years ago about my first love

It is the strength I've never summoned.
That, of the subject of you.
Your memory ads a bitter yet warm pain
to the three simple letters of a pro-noun.
It wasn't so much the pain of losing you.
Well, perhaps it was.
It was you, seemingly going back on your own very words.
That that the time I took as gospel.
It was like a virus adding a sense of pain
to all our friends in our circle.
You don't truly know what a circle really is.
What you made a comfortable, wonderful thing to speak on and say,
was later what you blamed detrimental
with I as the culprit.
It wasn't so much much that I loved you with every single fiber in my soul,
It's that I wasn't allowed to anymore.

Something older..

A few years ago, I had a lot of trouble getting over a relationship. Normally I'd attempt more discretion, but this thing is old and dead in the water by now. Mostly, I don't harbor any contempt over it anymore and I'm still good friends with parties involved. However I gotta say for some backstory, that it involves being betrayed by a good friend over a woman.


Shadows Of Friends
I'm beset by the things i dont want to suppress,
but I'm left with no place to go.
And i havent caught you at your very best
and to me you must clearly know.
Betrayal's a ruin on all things good,
and it's ruined my comfortable lie.
that if its something i wouldnt do to you
then for you would it would also apply.

If you were put in my shoes
what then would you choose?
If you really sympathize
look straight into my eyes...
would i do the same?

Shocked at the lack of consideration
that must've gotten lost on the way.
If my words are patronization
its obvious deep down you knew the right way.
I dont presume change the ways
of thoughts i cant comprehend.
Dissapointment in these dark days
only lies in shadows of friends

My first post here, and my it's late.

This felt like a good time to start a whole new blog. Clean slate. I feel like my life is shifting into new chapter, and for the first time in a year or so I think it's a very good thing. Life's been fickle lately however, let's see how well it lasts :)

I could really post about 4 or 5 different things on my mind right now, but it's almost 3 am and most of them have serious and mind-numbing overtones. Here's what I'm thinking a lot lately though...Everything I write whether music, lyrics, or just prose; seems completely different from what I end up performing or showing outwardly. I play and enjoy blues the best. I think I find in myself two perfect forms of expression that I can both do well all at once (singing and guitar player) and there aren't too many other types of music that do that. You tell me Fall Out Boy plays music with as much soul as a Collins, Vaughan, King? No way.

Everything I write on that note, is a much different animal. I can't explain it, I'd rather just let it speak for itself.
-----------------------------

Reached out tonight
to the one I call God.
To ask if He might
rescue me from the storm.
Then thoughts turned to you
prayer paid in full.
will you come back around
rise alive beautiful.

Theres another part to it, I just like the first part the best.