A true update

So life as of September 27, 2009.

Moving On
So Sarah and I didn't work out, and that's okay. It was a very amazing human experience, and with all relationships that dont work out; I'm healing, moving on, and tipping my hat to you Sarah. As well all seek happiness I wish you it 100%

I am seeing a girl named Sara. You can laugh all you want, it's purely a coincidence :) She's pretty fantastic, and things are great--and honestly that's all you need to know at this point! That, and this blog is really not about the above two topics.

I have decided to place my goal, resolve, and will into making a record. I am looking around at different studios and see a few that seem cool, and I obviously have to save up what I am thinking (for my amateur purposes) about 3k. 2 ish for the time and mixing etc (mastering) and I'm rounding up another because I am probably undershooting that estimate. I want to go in there with every track ready, down the very vision and exactly what parts I want on each. Paying that much for it makes me want to be fully prepared. I will get a few friends on the pedigree instruments I don't feel comfortable enough playing (I.E drums and bass) and am really thinking of a few ideas to get a couple other things on there like organ, harmonica, maybe some slide playing that I am not that adepth at either.

I'm going for a bluesy, r&b like record with a lot of my old self musically (my old self being the acoustic pretty music I was known for when I was younger) and trying to fit that all into a 12 track record. I've got 2 tracks really all down to a science, as I wrote them ages ago and they are ready and well realized.

This is a long process that will take a lot out of me but it is something I have been needing to do and as far as my goal and what I've been wanting to try and do in Nashville--it makes the most sense. It'll give me something concrete to have, to push, to show, to be able to say "I did" in 10 years if nothing comes of my talent.

This year I won't be at home in CA for christmas or my birthday, so I imagine I'll have a lot of time not wanting to think about that--to focus on work and making this record. Here's hoping.

Also...here's to surviving 2009. Here's to taking all the curveballs that have been aimed at my head and turning them into base hits. I don't give up on things easily, almost to a flaw, but of all the things I want out of life my own happiness is what it most important at my age and current juncture. Here's to you, life.

My brain and heart are fried

I need to start fresh with a lot of my thoughts. I am re-winding this blog from when I started my new job ish.

This is my middle finger

On a mission started by my own admission
I will leave you all behind
By direction I'll create my own protection
The real me you'll never find

Aspirations turn to fear and desperation
Nothing's ever good enough for you
Burn in sorrow 'cause I see there's no tomorrow
You'll only see what I want you to

Never gonna find me
Way down deep inside there is a real me
I'm always gonna hide and this is who you'll see
Never gonna find me
Way down deep inside they haven't found me yet
I'm always gonna hide and this is who you'll get

On a mission to establish my attrition
You may think that you have won
Your rejection has brought on my introspection
I'll escape I'll only run

Accusations may destroy my motivation
I can feel it when you're pushing me
Burn in sorrow 'cause I see there's no tomorrow
Only I know which me you'll see

Never gonna find me
Way down deep inside there is a real me
I'm always gonna hide and this is who you'll see
Never gonna find me
Way down deep inside they haven't found me yet
I'm always gonna hide and this is who you'll get

Break away!
Run!
Down inside!
I've got to!
Push it way!
Down!
I did not choose this!
God Dammit!

I don't really know
What I want to say
I can't afford the throw
To make it go away
Try to make it through
Fuck your decision
I can't feel myself
But I'm burning up now!

My own pat on the back.

Timeline: January 1st I arrive from my vacation back into Nashville. I was dejected, already over-stressed, feeling as though my window had run out. My car has been dead and not worth the repairs it needs, I've been stuck at "that dead end job" that doesn't pay enough for me to live off of, and everything was stagnant. I was facing facts--something drastic had to change otherwise I would have to tuck my tail between my legs and ::gulp:: move back home. Maybe what I say next is the classic under-acheivement pat, but you know what fuck it: I am proud of myself. I said to myself that day that I got back, I was going to have everything turned around by March or early April. If I didn't, I was thinking of doing the un-thinkable.

I sit here, feeling almost vindicated. I just accepted a good paying job (where I didn't get hired based on my bi-lingual abilities, this job is seperate) am about to just buy a new car (no lie, I'm having help on that one, but I'll be paying it all on my own.) I'm playing music twice a week. Granted, it's an open jam, but I'll be damned if I'm not one of the favorites or the spearheaders.

In 2 months after the dust settles--this is where my life should be. This is where I have been trying and trying to push my life to. Soon, I'll be the guy haggling with the sales guys for a better price on my musical equipment. Y'know too--I deserve it.

still needs other verses and a title.

I see you watching
from the corner of my eye.
A gaze so fierce
it could pierce the sky.
I guess I'm playing
for just you tonight
You've got me trying
to shine my light.

Looking from the outside.

Somewhere he's sinking
in heavy waters.
He's a pillar of strength
but it's of no help now.
Despite all of his seeking
he's drowning further
He'd love change you
but he doesn't know how.

Like fighting in quicksand
it's easiest to not fight at all.
What a way to contradict
what you thought of the world at all.
Worse than malcontent
apathy shows your true colors.
If you cared enough though,
your illusions would fall.

As I can still feel the smoke in my eyes...

What a night tonight was. So many people played tonight and so many of them were so on fire. I personally felt like I had a good night too. Focus. I have this good thing yet I can't shake something that is a detriment I probably just created for myself.

I wish the world and how it always seems to go, we're a little different.